So, I was at the local Walmart (which smelled like sewage today for some reason) and Avery decided to throw a tantrum. Is it considered a tantrum when a baby is just three months old?? Whatever, that’s irrelevant. Anyways, after only 2 aisles worth of perusing and searching high and low for basic grocery items (why is Walmart always a mess and being restocked when I go there???), Avery started screaming at the top of his lungs. Eyes were wide open, red, blotchy face, and there was solid eye contact with me that said, “Get me out of this manure-smelling dump!!!” I thought that he would calm down with a pacifier and a faster stroll in the cart, but unfortunately he continued with his screaming….no, shrieking would be the correct term by this point. Okay…no need to panic; I have a bottle!! Oh crap, that seemed to anger him more!! I picked him up out of his car seat and walked him around for a little bit. Not good enough, mommy!! I finally got the message that Avery was NOT going to cooperate at this moment in time and I started to walk up to the checkout with him, abandoning my 40+ item grocery list for the moment (oh, why must it be a holiday weekend with my entire family coming to visit???). By the time I got to the front of the store, Avery had calmed down a little and I thought it was safe to check out. After all, I DID invest some time in this sulphur-reeking store and I wanted to have something to show for it (3 loaves of bread, 2 packages of hamburger buns, brown rice, and Doritos…umm, the Doritos were not even on my list, so 37 more items to go!!). Of course, I picked the line where time stands still and the world’s SLOWEST and most inefficient cashier rings up and deletes perishable items at mind numbingly slow speeds. And Avery started crying again…no wait, make that shrieking.
Here are some of my various responses to well-meaning customers and employees over the next ten minutes (mind you, there were only TWO people in front of me in line and they each met the required 12 items or less to qualify being in the lane):
“Thank you for asking, no my kid isn’t sick….Yeah, I tried feeding him even though he just ate 2 hours ago; he doesn’t seem to want his bottle right now….Change him? He just got changed in daycare less than an hour ago; I think that poop smell you are noticing is a plumbing problem in this store…No, he doesn’t want his pacifier either and I don’t really feel like cramming and holding it in his mouth while he gags and continues to scream….You think he needs to burp? Oh man, this whole time I’ve been patting him on the back when I SHOULD have been burping him all along…I don’t think a nap would help; he slept 11 hours last night, took a morning nap, snoozed for an hour in the daycare at the gym AND slept the entire drive over here and it’s not even noon yet…You think his stomach hurts? Yeah, probably, he’s on two different medications for it right now...Well, even if he is teething, I don’t think he should chew on my key ring, it’s kind of dirty from being thrown everywhere in my purse and you know, it kind of has some sharp objects hanging off of it…”
IN CONCLUSION: When you see a baby who is being extremely vocal about his or her displeasure and the accompanying parent seems relatively calm and unfazed by this screaming (shrieking) episode, this probably ain’t the first time this has happened and that mom or dad is more than likely confident that they know a solution to the problem (for example, 2 minutes or less in a moving car will not only quiet the hollering baby but it would also put him to sleep). We don’t want to hear suggestions or helpful advice…and teeth or no teeth, we will NOT let you hold our child while we check out, as we have no clue who the hell you are and when you washed your hands last (a lack of teeth might indicate some problems in the whole hygiene arena). If you really want to help, all you have to do is smile sympathetically and say, “I’ve totally been there.”
One hour following Walmart Meltdown:
I act like that every time we go to Wal-Mart...i hate that store.
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